Facebook makes us stupid
I think we are all familiar with Facebook now, it's that website nobody seems to be able to live without - the platform that enables us to shower our 'friends' with comments that drastically lack intelligence and succeed in making us look like losers. That's right, I said it - what we write and do on Facebook makes us look like complete morons.
This is you.
I will admit, I have posted my fair share of bollocks in the past and I'm currently on an intensive rehabilitation programme that introduces me to a state of living called 'offline' - it's going well thus far. As you know from my previous posts, I'm generally an optimistic and inclusive character who sees the best in everybody, so I apologise in advance if I am about to destroy your opinion of me.
Below is a lit of things I absolutely despise about Facebook.
- Employment Status - I'm not a snob, but if your current job on Facebook is listed as "UNEMPLOYED!!!!" then I have absolutely no desire to speak to you. On this note, please be reminded that you absolutely do not work for Tumblr, Facebook, BBM or Hogwarts. If you are desperate enough to put your BBM Pin/Phone number as your employment status just so it appears on your profile then I whole heartedly pity your insignificant life.
- An extensive "friends" list does not make you popular - That's right, I said it! I refuse to even call them friends, so I will call them contacts. Having a contact list on Facebook bigger than a Nigerian's penis does not make you popular, all it does is make your desperation for constant attention cry out. How many people are impressed by a beggar in the street? None. That's what you are, a Facebook beg, craving your next friend request. This takes me nicely on to point three.
- People liking your photo or statuses does not actually mean they like you. As much as you crave the friendship of all your Facebook contacts, the truth is they probably don't actually like you and have only 'liked' your photo as they, equally as desperately as yourself, hope that you will like theirs in return.
- Oh, you've made a status telling us you're bored - what do you want, the "I have no mates so tell my cyber friends I have no life" medal? Making a status like this has the completely shatters all your usual attempts to make yourself seem cool and sophisticated. By advertising the fact you're bored and have nothing to do, you're basically telling us your life is a pile of luke-warm turd.
- Photo etiquette is very important - if you're brain dead - which most of you are - then that's all we have to judge you on. If you take a photo of yourself with your tongue out, you look like you have brain damage. If you take a photo of yourself with an iPad you instantly fall into my category of people called "Bellends"
- Like this status and I will inbox you or post a status about you. Surely nobody is that bored that they do actually go along with this shit? Although clearly they do. I liked a status like this once, and the lad sent me a message saying "I don't know you but you're lovely" - how on earth does that make any sense?
- Like the picture not the link . Commonly this delinquents use this after they have tagged themselves in, and shared their picture a few times already. As I have said previously, having people like your heavily edited photo of yourself on the Internet will not benefit your life in any significant, meaningful or worthwhile way.
I think that's all I have to say on the matter now - I'm exhausted. Talking about the world's undesirables is incredibly tiring. Amusingly, whilst I was writing this picture I was commenting on a picture of a picture that somebody uploaded of themselves stood at the bus stop and called it "bored at the bus stop". As if that wasn't bad enough, they did the same thing a few weeks ago!
Off to jerk off over my new iPad now. I had to mention it...
RIP Lady Gaga
It's the new most of my Facebook contacts have been dreading - the death of the almighty Mother Monster who has apparently changed the world with her mp3's. This is the end of the world as we know it: we will be thrust back into the Pre-Gaga days.
In case you hadn't already guessed - I am in fact, perhaps distastefully joking. Rest assured that Lady Gaga is not actually dead but is probably in a hotel room somewhere looking for every day objects and assessing how she can strap to her body and pass it off as fashion.
Our Almighty Lord
So what am I getting at here, you ask? In response to the sad news of Whitney Houston's passing, one of the highly intelligent individuals on my Facebook was expressing how his world would end if Lady Gaga was ever to die. The death of any individual is sad, but why would his world come to an end if this media manufactured robot was to pass?
Lady Gaga makes MP3's - that's it. When I ask people why Lady Gaga is their 'idol' they answer with broad and simplistic answers like "she is beautiful and stands up for what she believes in" and I cringe every time. They really have no idea do they?
How is Lady Gaga a free-thinking independant woman when her whole entire life is about media and public attraction. Let's look at that meat dress she wore a year or so ago - how often do you wake up in the morning and think "Oh yeah I want to strap some pork chops to my tits today"?
The truth is, if Lady Gaga was to die, absolutely nothing - yes, nothing - in the world would change at all. We'd all carry on with our lives in exactly the same way and after a while an equally false media creation would come along and fill her shoes.
As I write this blog, I'm discussing what people would actually do if Lady Gaga was to die on a status update I posted on Facebook. A couple of people are embarrasing themselves saying they love what she does and they would cry for days on end, despite having never met nor even spoke to her. I really fail to understand the dependency of some people - why do you need to idolise someone? It's even more embarrasing if you are unable to explain exactly why you idolise them.
Annoyingly, I've just seen somebody's Facebook education information say they study at the 'University of Lady Gaga' - how overwhelmingly pathetic. I really do prey for your passing during your sleep.
The truth is boys and girls, if she dies - nothing changes. The world will not change in any way whatsoever. Has it changed with her being around? No. There are still hundreds of thousands of people dying of starvation, the world economies are in tatters and I still have to use public transport. As far as I'm concerned, she hasn't done anything worth idolising.
Facebook: Fame or Fantasy?
I appreciate that most of you reading this will be deeply insulted by the upcoming post because I will be criticising your way of life that you have succumb to thinking is normal. As you may or may not know, I got banned from Facebook just after Christmas and was "away" for a few weeks. I understand this will be a heart aching concept for some of you, but honestly it wasn't as bad as it sounds.
I'm not entirely sure why I was banned, but I imagine they grew tired of constantly reprimanding me for violating their 'community standards' - although I can only conclude that people are far too emotionally sensitive if anything I said affected them.
Anyway, now I'm back and have the unpleasant experience of seeing status updates from people who literally crave and beg for attention from their other online cyber friends. I'm not a judgemental person, as you know from my previous blogs, but it's really made me pity them. You don't need to make a status every couple of minutes in a bid to provoke somebody new to "like" it, you don't need to constantly share your pictures hoping to get more comments from people who will only comment in the hope you comment on one of theirs.
I can't even think of a caption for this...
I can't help that Facebook has created this generation of teenagers who think that having a multitude of friends on there means they are popular and successful.
The harsh reality of Facebook, and the Internet as a whole to be honest, is that as soon as you log off - you become just another person that is no different to anybody else.
unfortunately your ability to attract "likes" and comments on the internet will not guarantee your success in the future. If anything, it will go the other way - you'll be so used to interacting with cyber friends in your cyber environment, you won't be able to maintain a proper conversation with people that really matter.
I see it every day, it's cringeworthy. I'm surprised with myself: in such a short space of time I've drastically changed my whole opinion on Facebook.
On a closing note, there is one thing that I consider to be even more worrying, the Facebook groups for young gay lads to exchange contact details with each other, although they try and say it is purely to "chat and make new friends"
Have you perhaps considered leaving your PC and phone at home and attempting to further your own social ability by going out and actually meeting people?
No, I didn't think so...
Official Guide to Useless Qualifications
I recently read an article about how research conducted by Durham University proves without doubt that some A-Level subjects are harder than others - and there's no guessing which ones that deemed to be easier. It's official - those of you studying 'soft' subjects like Media, General Studies and Business Studies are getting away with choosing easy subjects and still being given the same qualification as your more intelligent counterparts who choose more challenging academic subjects.
For a start, what on earth is 'General Studies' and how does that teach anybody anything? Is it basically like a glorified general knowledge lesson that prepares people to do well in their local pub quiz? The fact a subject is 'general' is an instant giveaway that it's not going to be challenging, interesting or useful in the slightest - unless of course you aspire to be the next pub quiz champion.
It's a very well known fact that qualifications have become far easier to obtain these days, and I would like to state an example that definitively proves my point.
Absolutely not.
In 2007, two Maths students took an A-Level Maths examination. One received an A* and the other an A. After completing this examination, they were given a Maths paper from the same exam board, using the same marking scheme that was given to students in 1977. Upon completing this exam, it was marked and one was award an E and the other a U - basically meaning it didn't get any marks at all.
If the above case proves that a traditional subject like Maths has been watered down to make it easier, than what do you think it says about all the others? That's right - your qualifications in whatever bollocks subject you have chosen mean absolutely nothing.
Me and my very good friend Tom have compiled a list of subjects that we believe are utterly pointless and serve absolutely no purpose in today's society.
- Photography - a lengthy debate took place on Facebook about this, see this link.
- Media Studies
- Business Studies
- General Studies
- Communication and Culture
- Theatre Studies
- Film Studies
- Make-Up and all other sub-courses such as 'Media Make Up'
- Performing Arts
- Dance
- Creative Arts
- Beauty including all variations.
You may not realise it, but the above courses have not been around for hundreds of years. The vast majority of people who have been massively successful in the above subjects don't have some pathetic qualification in it, but instead they are self taught determined individuals who worked damn hard to get where they are today.
I have a PhD
Most of the pathetic subjects that people study these days are not qualifications or academic achievements, but are instead nothing more than hobbies. You should not be given a certificate for doing something that you would normally do at an after school club. If we are going to start giving people formal qualifications for doing something they enjoy and do a lot of in their spare time, I'll have a degree in masturbation.
Oh, Alex - I'll just about let you off with your 'Publishing' degree...
Bastard Bonfire
Just in case you hadn't heard, yesterday was Bonfire Night - the one time a year when every park around the country is taken over by local residents to have a large bonfire and set off lots of fireworks. Whether it be a load of chavs who have stolen fireworks from the back of the back of their nearest supermarket, or a local event organised by people who obviously care about the community too much.
Toasty
Whatever event you go to, it basically involves a load of people standing around looking at colourful explosions in the sky - how very exciting. It was all rather nice to look at, but unfortunately I had to wade my way through loads of mud to get to a spot suitable to watch the fireworks.
I finally reached a suitable spot, but there just seemed to teenagers everywhere who were clearly at the height of puberty because they thought that pushing girls in the mud was the best way to impress them and feel their tits.
There was one girl in particular who, after every single explosion insisted on shouting 'oh my god' in the most annoying screechy voice ever. I genuinely did feel like punching her in the throat. I mean, I understand that if you aren't used to seeing them and come from a country where they don't have fireworks, but this bitch was just making noise for the sake of it. She clearly wanted to stand out.
Suitable firework picture.
It wasn't just this one girl though - there were absolutely loads of people between the age of thirteen and sixteen that insisted on just being total bellends. It made me laugh how all the young lads stood in one group being all boisterous with each other, and the girls stood in another complaining about the mud.
I totally understand that teenagers get 'horny' and stuff, but are they that stupid that they still think pissing girls off is going to impress them? If anybody tried flirting with me by annoying me, they'd have my index finger rammed into their eye socket.
The one thing that I didn't have, that I was rather hoping I would get was a sparkler. I love using them to write words in the air, usually along the lines of 'cock' and 'gay' but sometimes I draw a 2D picture of a penis too. You can tell I'm a mature nineteen year old.
All in all I guess bonfire night wasn't as bad as all of the above make out, but next year I might hire out my own private park and have a display just for me. I'll allow a few select people to come along for a small fee.
I'm going back to writing rude words and drawing pictures of penises with my sparkler now. Adios.
Get a Job!
I'm sick and tired of hearing about how hard to get a job it is. I think it's all utter bollocks. I genuinely do not believe that finding a job is anywhere near as hard as all the unemployed people writing in todays Guardian would have us believe.
The Guardian today allowed a group of unemployed young people whinge and moan about how difficult it is to get after leaving school, college or university. I fail to accept that it is anywhere near as hard as what they make out. Instead I believe they simply are not trying hard enough.
Suitable picture of bearded young person moaning because he can't get a job.
I'm not one to blow my own trumpet as you all know, but I dropped out of college at the height of the recession and managed to land myself a job with Barclays. I've moved on since then and now I am working for a bank where pretty much everybody on my floor has a degree of some sort. Even before I got lucky working with the Bank, I got myself a job with Marks & Spencer serving old women and pretending to give a shit about what they talk about whilst I scan their stuff and shove it into a 5p carrier bag.
I fail to see just how difficult it is. I know first hand that getting a job isn't easy, but it is definitely not impossible. Quite frankly I believe if you are getting turned down constantly for jobs, it is not because there is a lack of them, but instead because you simply aren't doing it right.
I was reading over some people's CV a few weeks ago and it was the most cringeworthy experience of my life. Never before have I read such utter shite, apart from when I read these blog posts back to myself. I admit getting a job is difficult, but to get a job you need to fine tune every last detail, read every help article on the internet and start thinking about how you come across to people. It may even mean you need to have a shave, purchase a nice shirt, and suitable tie - but not one of those vile skinny ties from Topman because you'll just look like a Toptwat.
Put yourselves in the shoes of your potential employer - be ruthless, prove to them you want it and give them a sound reason to employ you. I'm sick and tired of people banging on about how hard it is to get a job. It really isn't. I did it and so did many other people I know, so what are you moaning about? Yes, it's hard but not everything in life is given to you - you have to work hard and not expect somebody else to bow down and give you everything.
I will of course be writing to the Guardian to tell them that allowing a load of teenagers to write an article on how hard it is to get a job was a bad mistake.
If you want something, you have to work for it. If you don't get it, then try harder next time. Keep trying and trying, over and over again until you get what you are aiming for.
Perhaps you could learn something...
The Dole
I'm not a snob and I definitely never judge people. I take every single person exactly as I find them and would never avoid speaking to somebody purely because of their 'background'. The only exception to this of course, is when they are in receipt of the dreaded 'dole'.
Let me make one thing very clear from the start just because you all start sending me messages on Facebook getting on your high horse about how much of a cock I am: I do not have a problem with people who have lost their job and therefore need some support in the interim between jobs. The comments I am about to make apply specifically to those who are too bone idle, too stupid or too much of a walking waste to get off their ass and get job.
Those people who leach of this country are a plague - a national disaster that should be wiped out and disposed of. Tell me exactly what purpose they serve to our country? What do they give back to the country that literally pays them to do absolutely sweet sod all.
Vile.
A friend of mine was seeing a guy who had a perfectly good job working in a shop. I admit it isn't something I would do, but at least he was working and earning some money for himself. Oh, but what does he go and do? He leaves the job because he is fed up of getting up early and none of his friends work so he thought being on the dole would be better.
What an utter prick. I seriously despise people like this - they are a burden on our society and should be eliminated.
As you know, I'm usually right about most things and everything I say is both appropriate and completely logical. As such, I have collated a list of rules for people who are on the dole which i believe should be implemented with immediate effect.
Those in receipt of benefits for voluntary unemployment shall;
- Not purchase alcohol or cigarettes. This is likely to require medical treatment in the short or long term future and this is a further drain on money and resources.
- Not have 'nights out' with friends as this is a luxury enjoyed by people who have had a hard work at work and want to unwind with their friends.
- Not spend money on expensive clothes or haircuts as again, this should be a luxury enjoyed only by those who get up in the morning to work for their money.
- Not be given 'cash' for doing nothing, they must be made to do something. Perhaps a bit of street cleaning or volunteering in a charity shop just so that they are not being paid to stay in bed until lunch time.
I'm not being nasty or anything, but why should people like me who go to work every day and work damn hard have to pay for somebody else to have the same quality of life as everybody else? It's absolutely ridiculous.
As I said, I'm a happy positive person who takes everybody as I find them, no matter what.
I'm also a Class A Bullshitter.
BBM Makes Me Horny
I am obviously a mug.
How wrong I was to assume that BBM, the free messaging service offered to BlackBerry users was for normal conversation with friends. From my extensive BBM usage, it has come to my attention that 95% of the people I have as a contact are horny.
Okay, I don't mind a bit of male affection every now and then, but it seems to be constant. Today at my desk for example, I'm receiving all sorts of messages about how somebody wants me to slop my man juice all over their face. I wear a suit to work for christ sake, I can't be involved with such monstrously rude messages.
As you can imagine, being the young, professional and very well behaved young man that I am, I did not reciprocate any of the messages sent to me. Instead I just went to the toilet at work and knocked one out. It was fabulous but I'm concerned the bloke in the other cubicle was wondering my knee kept banging on the wall.
My BBM experience is not limited to the exchange of dirty messages, but also pictures too. I don't mean pictures of willies (although I have to admit it has happened), but instead the exchange of just general pictures that I have taken whilst walking to work, or at work, or after work, or in bed, or drinking tea, or masturb... I have been sharing them with everybody, whether they are interested or not.
If anybody wants horny BBM sex, just drop me a message and I'll make sure I give you a good "seeing to"
Love
How Low Can You Go?
I'm actually starting to lose count of the underage people I have slept with, every single one these days seems to be below the legal age.
That got your attention, didn't it?
Guess what I am going to talk about tonight ladies and gentlemen. You guessed it, the vile and manipulative men that prey on younger, less experienced boys on the internet for their own sexual pleasures.
The legal age of consent in the UK is 16, for both heterosexual and homosexual shagging. That means, that if somebody over the age of 16 is engaging in any form of sexual activity with somebody under 16, they are breaking the law. It's a rather simple concept when you think about it. However, let us imagine for a second that the legal age of 16 was removed and was there in fact no age of consent at all and it was legal to engage in sexual acts with anybody at any age.
So with nothing legally stopping people from banging boys (or girls) under the age of 16, what does it mean if they actually go ahead and do it? If somebody is prepared to sleep with somebody under the age of 16 if it's not illegal, then surely they have no moral objection to sleeping with somebody that we deem to be 'too young'?
I think it would. If you removed the legal aspect and somebody slept with a 14 year old, I have absolutely no doubt that it's just as bad as breaking the law and doing it. It suggests to me that all along this person had the intent and desire to sleep with an underage person. It's vile.
Now it's time for a few examples, because I know how much you all like to hear about who I have uncovered. Example number one is a 20-something year old who works in a rather nice restaurant and bar called Velvet in Manchester and goes by the name of Scott Woods. Apparently the only requirement for him is that the boy, regardless of age, must have 'puberty sized dick'. It's all rather cute really. You can discuss Scott's attraction to children with him on Facebook, here.
My next cheeky criminal is a young man who I have known for about four years. He's 22 now and I have recently he discovered he requested that 14 year old boys get naked on webcam and play with their bits for him. I mean, I find it sad that he's using his webcam to get his willy out, but to do with young boys and groom them into doing things for his own sick and twisted pleasures, that's a new low.
Being the investigative young man that I am, I tracked Spencer down and found him on an online 'game' called Habbo. It's aimed at people between the age of 13 and 18 but is often frequented by sexual predators like Spencer Nichols. Upon tracking him down, he was actually rather forthcoming with his plans to meet up with a (currnetly 15 year old) boy as soon as he turns 16.
Question: If somebody says they are not meeting somebody until they are 16, what is the first thing you think?
That's interesting, because he's prepared to get them to do stuff on webcam for him but he doesn't quite have the balls to meet them yet. People like Spencer are scum of the internet, they serve no purpose in this world and purely exist to lower our social standards.
It's perhaps worth bearing in mind that Spencer's vile and twisted online activities are not just limited to one person, he has in fact groomed a number of boys and requested similar things from them all. I rang his home telephone and questioned his parents why they think it's acceptable for their son to behave in such a way on the internet. The outcome of that conversation may be disclosed upon request.
So to leave you with a thought. If a 'law' is the only thing stopping somebody from shagging somebody literally as young as they want, what happens if that law is removed and they then go ahead and sleep with someone who is only 13? As far as I'm concerned, if somebody has the intent to sleep with somebody so young, they are vile, twisted and immeasurably sick.
Peace and love, as always.
Northern Rail Nightmare
For those unfamiliar with the local train service in Northern England, it's called 'Northern Rail' and to sum it up rather accurately would be to say it's absolutely fucking shite.
You may have already gathered that in many ways I consider myself to be 'too good' to travel on standard public transport carriages with the masses, but unfortunately on my daily community into Manchester City Centre I have no alternative and must endure the ride Northern has to offer.
Fact of the day: The above train, still in use by Northern is basically an exact replica of a bus from 30 years ago.
Northern's absolutely shambolic excuse of a transport provider is not purely about it's highly dangerous trains, but also about it's highly incompetent, often rude staff who all look like they've just had their Christmas presents pissed over.
Something else that annoys me, are those people that stand in the station checking tickets who do not even work for the train provider. They form a makeshift human wall and stop everybody who walks past to inspect their tickets. The thing that really pisses me off though, is that the majority of them don't acknowledge the fact they have seen the ticket, they just stare blankly at it.
What the hell does the blank stare mean? Why don't you thank me for taking the time to take my extortionately priced season ticket out of my bag? Don't just stare at it - am I okay to walk past you or not? Jesus christ almighty.
Tonight, on the evening of the 10th day of the 10th month, my train from Manchester Piccadilly to Windsor Manor was cancelled. I bet you a month's wages this was solely due to the rain and one of Northern's "should have been scrapped" trains was being pushed backwards by the heavy rain. Utter shite.
HRH Windsor was by no means impressed this evening. I had to pay for a taxi home because of the useless local transport system. I will be writing a letter of complaint to Northern and I shall post the outcome of the complaint on here in due course.
Unhappy Windsor. Somebody stroke my head and make me a brew.